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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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California Town On Sale On Craigslist For $225K

The town of Seneca, CA, a 12-acre former gold-mining outpost in the northern part of the state, is being offered on Craigslist for $225,000, which includes the town’s liquor license, three cabins, and a bar. What do you think?

  • “Sorry, I just bought a different town.”

    Carlos Benitez Campground Manager
  • “I’d buy it, but knowing me, I would tax myself into oblivion.”

    Molly Guth Turf Grower
  • “Throw in a handful of broken railroad spikes and we’ve got ourselves a deal.”

    Scotty Hilkene Quarantine Officer
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