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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Call For Gonzales's Resignation

Following a recent disclosure that the FBI has abused its powers to spy on private citizens, some Democratic senators and a key Republican are calling for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to resign. What do you think?
  • "Maybe if private citizens would stop being so damned intriguing they wouldn't have any problem with the FBI."

    Lisa Ferraiolo Systems Analyst
  • "I don't think we should be so quick to judge. Gonzales is a very exotic name, and having an exotically named attorney general, no matter how much he tries undermine the system he is supposed to uphold, helps us appear open-minded."

    Adam Conroy Air Traffic Controller
  • "When is this top-level shake-up finally going to reveal that Postmaster General John E. Potter has been stealing my Netflix?"

    Richard Kilmartin Coal Miner

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