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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Call To Outlaw Texting While Driving

According to a new poll, 89 percent of Americans questioned believe that text-messaging while driving should be against the law. What do you think?
  • "Fine, I'll stop texting. But I'll be damned if I start paying attention to the road."

    Melissa Checzlowyczh Systems Analyst
  • "Don't count me in that number. About the only time I have any trouble doing both safely is when I'm backing up."

    Tracy Herman Plumber
  • "Wouldn't it be easier to just ban driving? Honestly, who drives any more?"

    Frank Cooley Refrigerator Delivery Man

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