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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Call To Outlaw Texting While Driving

According to a new poll, 89 percent of Americans questioned believe that text-messaging while driving should be against the law. What do you think?
  • "Fine, I'll stop texting. But I'll be damned if I start paying attention to the road."

    Melissa Checzlowyczh Systems Analyst
  • "Don't count me in that number. About the only time I have any trouble doing both safely is when I'm backing up."

    Tracy Herman Plumber
  • "Wouldn't it be easier to just ban driving? Honestly, who drives any more?"

    Frank Cooley Refrigerator Delivery Man

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