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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Calling People Fat Spurs Weight Gain

According to a new study, the discrimination that people face regarding their weight, including stigmatizing, teasing, and name-calling, does not motivate them to shed pounds, and instead increases their risk of obesity later, as many engage in overeating as a coping behavior. What do you think?

  • “Oh no! I thought I was helping.”

    Amber Bean Sculptor
  • “The ironic nickname ‘Tiny’ doesn’t seem to work either.”

    Heath Segal Unemployed
  • “This is just one study. Let’s wait for more data before we all just run out and be nice to people.”

    Taylor McConnell Gas Line Inspector

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