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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Cameron Distributing Darwin

Actor Kirk Cameron, best known for his work on the television program Growing Pains, is touring college campuses to hand out copies of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species that contain a 50-page critique by Cameron himself. What do you think?
  • "I've seen the commentary, and it's simply not on the level of, say, Eve Plumb's introduction to Rousseau's Emile."

    Damon Roslie Systems Analyst
  • "I bet Charles Darwin is lying still in his grave, because he is dead."

    Julie Parypa Jacket Changer
  • "This sounds like a really juicy scheme, but you just know his dunderheaded friend Boner is going to completely ruin it somehow, most likely with hilarious results."

    Joseph Lind Retail Manager
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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