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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Cameron Says Save 3-D For The Classics

Speaking to a group of industry insiders, James Cameron said that postproduction 3-D should only be applied to classic films like Jaws or Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. What do you think?

  • "No way! Some of the worst movies ever have the most crap flying across the screen."

    Peter Schulter Systems Analyst
  • "And only for movies with performances worthy of Vincent Price."

    Yancy Bakken Quick Mixer Operator
  • "I don't understand. If they made old movies 3D, they'd be forced to rerelease them and charge...oh, I see."

    Clem Havey Needle Setter
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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