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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial?

The inability to find jurors unfamiliar with Martha Stewart has raised concerns that celebrities cannot receive a fair trial. What do you think?
  • "So a bunch of famous people got arrested, and all of a sudden we're worried about fair trials?"

    Jen Craig-Greenman Paralegal
  • "Except for their incredibly well-funded legal-defense teams, these stars are on their own."

    Janice Parks Title Examiner
  • "I hope celebrities can get a fair trial in this country. God knows they can't get decent service."

    Joey Reid Cleaner
  • "May I remind you that I am not on trial here?! Sorry. I just love saying that."

    Lee Daniels Cook
  • "To ensure a fair trial, the judge should present the evidence with Gretchen Mol standing in for the defendant."

    Harold Johnston CEO
  • "Oh, great. If I somehow manage to avoid 20 years of Cheers and Frasier, my reward is a jury seat at Kelsey Grammer's child-murder trial?"

    Timothy Bates Systems Analyst
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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