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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.?

Last week, U.S. intelligence officials stated that North Korea has the technology to fire nuclear missiles at the West Coast. What do you think?
  • "It's about time the West Coast started carrying its fair share of the scared-shitless load."

    Jennifer Cotto Research Assistant
  • "Big deal. There's, like, an 80 to 90 percent chance they won't even use those things."

    Lisa Campbell Dietitian
  • "Fuckin' Pyongyang."

    Rich Kingery Cab Driver
  • "North Korea has missiles that can reach the U.S.? We'd better get to work on developing some missiles of our own right away."

    Tom Reynolds Systems Analyst
  • "I sincerely doubt they can reach us. My back scratcher was made in Korea, and the piece of crap can barely reach past my shoulder blades."

    Ron Buhner Gardener
  • "As an American, I'm getting sick and tired of other countries."

    Cris Langston Accountant

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