Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.?

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Vol 39 Issue 06

New Prisoner Recognized From 'Scared Straight' Visit

RAHWAY, NJ—New Rahway State Penitentiary inmate Andrew Traber, 19, was recognized Monday by longtime inmate Ronald Wayne Desmond, who met Traber in 1998 in the prison's "Scared Straight" program. "I couldn't believe it: There he was, little Andrew, all grown up," said Desmond, 38, who is serving two consecutive life sentences for murder. "So I yelled, 'Hey, Andrew, it's me—the guy who told you when you were 14 what it's like to be brutally gang-raped in the prison laundry with a shiv held to your throat.' He kind of nodded hi, but I got the feeling he didn't remember me."

No One At Ad Agency Remembers Hiring Carrot Top For Commercial

NEW YORK—Despite their best efforts, creative executives at the Young & Rubicam advertising agency cannot recall how Carrot Top came to be hired for the "1-800-CALL-ATT" collect-call campaign. "I really, truly don't remember ever casting that guy," Young & Rubicam creative director Molly Herbert said of the hideous, clown-faced comedian. "To be honest, all anyone here can remember is firing David Arquette two years ago, then suddenly there's Carrot Top on the set." Herbert and her team were equally at a loss over who developed the "Just Dial Down The Middle" concept.

Paintball Team Visits Vietnam Memorial

WASHINGTON, DC—The five members of the Blitz Cougars paintball team of Ashburn, GA, paid their respects to their fallen compatriots at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial on Monday. "None of us served in Vietnam, but we too have witnessed firsthand the unspeakable horrors of combat," said Derek "Boone" Bechet, 23, the Cougars' team leader. "Last August, I lost one of my men when a round of Draxxus Inferno sapphire blue caught him right in the temple. Chris was only 19 when he got taken out of the game for good." Fighting back tears, Bechet bowed his head in silent prayer for his splattered comrade.

Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever

ROCHESTER, MN—Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released Monday by Dr. Albert Gruber, the best scientist ever. "My research has found that three strips of crispy, mouthwatering bacon every morning can actually reduce cholesterol and help slow the aging process," the awesome Gruber said. "What's more, the bacon's positive effects are enhanced when combined with milk shakes and/or marijuana." In 1997, Gruber, a Mayo Clinic cardiologist, was awarded nine Nobel Prizes in Medicine for discovering that frequent oral sex with models cures cancer.

Well, I Think Michael Jackson Looks Nice

I don't understand why some people have to build themselves up by tearing other people down. Everywhere I go these days, I hear people making nasty comments about Michael Jackson's appearance. Well, I think Michael Jackson looks very nice.

The Ben And J. Lo Show

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are America's hottest celebrity couple. How do they spend a typical day?
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Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.?

Last week, U.S. intelligence officials stated that North Korea has the technology to fire nuclear missiles at the West Coast. What do you think?
  • "It's about time the West Coast started carrying its fair share of the scared-shitless load."

    Jennifer Cotto
    Research Assistant
  • "Big deal. There's, like, an 80 to 90 percent chance they won't even use those things."

    Lisa Campbell
    Dietitian
  • "Fuckin' Pyongyang."

    Rich Kingery
    Cab Driver
  • "North Korea has missiles that can reach the U.S.? We'd better get to work on developing some missiles of our own right away."

    Tom Reynolds
    Systems Analyst
  • "I sincerely doubt they can reach us. My back scratcher was made in Korea, and the piece of crap can barely reach past my shoulder blades."

    Ron Buhner
    Gardener
  • "As an American, I'm getting sick and tired of other countries."

    Cris Langston
    Accountant
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