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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Canada Begins Phasing Out Pennies

With each penny costing roughly 1.6 cents to create and distribute, the Royal Canadian Mint stopped placing one-cent coins into circulation Monday, prompting Canadian retailers to begin rounding prices for all cash purchases to the nearest nickel. What do you think?

  • “The Coinstar reject tray won’t be the same without them.”

    Robert Brosette Handbag Finisher
  • “Sure. In today’s economy everything is paid for in nickels.”

    Lois Manning Bomb Disposal Specialist
  • “Good luck trying to join Columbia House and BMG record clubs now, morons.”

    Joe Sheehan X-Ray Technician

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