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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Canada Begins Phasing Out Pennies

With each penny costing roughly 1.6 cents to create and distribute, the Royal Canadian Mint stopped placing one-cent coins into circulation Monday, prompting Canadian retailers to begin rounding prices for all cash purchases to the nearest nickel. What do you think?

  • “The Coinstar reject tray won’t be the same without them.”

    Robert Brosette Handbag Finisher
  • “Sure. In today’s economy everything is paid for in nickels.”

    Lois Manning Bomb Disposal Specialist
  • “Good luck trying to join Columbia House and BMG record clubs now, morons.”

    Joe Sheehan X-Ray Technician

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