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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Canadian City Outlaws Doorknobs

Vancouver, British Columbia, the eighth largest city in Canada, has banned the installation of doorknobs in all newly constructed buildings including personal residences, mandating that the devices be replaced with easier-to-use levers. What do you think?

  • “But what about those of us who use long wooden planks to fasten doors?”

    Lincoln Zolotas Port Inspector
  • “It’s about time! Doorknobs are confusing enough, but add in Canada’s metric system and the whole thing becomes an unsolvable puzzle.”

    Henrietta Dolan Refinery Operator
  • “I think people should just stay in the room they’re in.”

    Connor Hwong Fountain Installer

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