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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Canadian Dentist Plans To Clone John Lennon

Canadian dentist Michael Zuk told reporters that he paid $33,000 for John Lennon’s tooth in an auction and is looking forward to the day when he can clone the late Beatles frontman and raise the child as his own, then sign him up for guitar lessons. What do you think?

  • “Being a dentist’s son is hard enough.”

    Kent Gillan Information Securities Officer
  • “I’m in the market for a Lou Reed incisor if anybody’s got one.”

    Garrett Lafferty Unemployed
  • “Since when does someone who buys a tooth at an auction need a reason?”

    Melinda Basso Hotel Desk Clerk

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