adBlockCheck

Recent News

Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Canadian Dentist Plans To Clone John Lennon

Canadian dentist Michael Zuk told reporters that he paid $33,000 for John Lennon’s tooth in an auction and is looking forward to the day when he can clone the late Beatles frontman and raise the child as his own, then sign him up for guitar lessons. What do you think?

  • “Being a dentist’s son is hard enough.”

    Kent Gillan Information Securities Officer
  • “I’m in the market for a Lou Reed incisor if anybody’s got one.”

    Garrett Lafferty Unemployed
  • “Since when does someone who buys a tooth at an auction need a reason?”

    Melinda Basso Hotel Desk Clerk

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close