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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Canadian Immigration Under Fire

Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?
  • "I am suddenly very suspicious of my next-door neighbor, Khalid al-McKenzie."

    Iris Murphy Teacher
  • "As a radical Islamic fundamentalist, I am seriously considering moving to Vancouver. It's sooo gorgeous there."

    Bill Hrabosky Cashier
  • "My God, we could go to war with Canada over this. I only pray there's an army platoon with the afternoon free."

    Don Nahorodny Forklift Operator
  • "Why would terrorists need to go through Canada to get to the U.S.? It's not like the FBI would catch them if they came straight here."

    Louis Chambliss Systems Analyst
  • "Canada needs to start doing a better job of racial-profiling non-Inuits."

    Michael Horner Civic Planner
  • "See, I told you socialized medicine doesn't work."

    Penny Niekro Homemaker

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