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Canadian Immigration Under Fire

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International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Canadian Immigration Under Fire

Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?
  • "I am suddenly very suspicious of my next-door neighbor, Khalid al-McKenzie."

    Iris Murphy Teacher
  • "Why would terrorists need to go through Canada to get to the U.S.? It's not like the FBI would catch them if they came straight here."

    Louis Chamblis Systems Analyst
  • "As a radical Islamic fundamentalist, I am seriously considering moving to Vancouver. It's sooo gorgeous there."

    Bill Hrabosky Cashier
  • "Canada needs to start doing a better job of racial-profiling non-Inuits."

    Michael Horner Civic Planner
  • "My God, we could go to war with Canada over this. I only pray there's an army platoon with the afternoon free."

    Don Nahorodny Forklift Operator
  • "See, I told you socialized medicine doesn't work."

    Penny Niekro Homemaker

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