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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Canadian Prescription Drugs

Major drug manufacturers are attempting to stop Canadian pharmacies from selling discounted prescription drugs to Americans. What do you think?
  • "Look, Canada, stick to exporting that maple-sugar candy of yours. We'll take care of the obscenely expensive prescription drugs."

    Caroline Lenhart Transcriptionist
  • "Man, I got some primo Nexium when I was up in Vancouver last year."

    Terry Yoder Solderer
  • "Canada has already given us the best medicine—laughter. Thank you, Ottawa's Dan Aykroyd, for everything."

    Phillip Settle Systems Analyst
  • "Gay marriage, legal weed, and cheaper prescription drugs? Next they'll have donkeys painted like zebras, too."

    Nicholas Perez Paramedic
  • "I want to see these senior citizens jailed. I mean, I actually want to see them in the jail."

    Allison Burke Auditing Clerk
  • "As CEO of Abbott Laboratories, I think Americans should consider themselves lucky they're getting our medicine at all."

    Jacob Harmon CEO

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