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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Canadian Prescription Drugs

Major drug manufacturers are attempting to stop Canadian pharmacies from selling discounted prescription drugs to Americans. What do you think?
  • "Look, Canada, stick to exporting that maple-sugar candy of yours. We'll take care of the obscenely expensive prescription drugs."

    Caroline Lenhart Transcriptionist
  • "Man, I got some primo Nexium when I was up in Vancouver last year."

    Terry Yoder Solderer
  • "Canada has already given us the best medicine—laughter. Thank you, Ottawa's Dan Aykroyd, for everything."

    Phillip Settle Systems Analyst
  • "Gay marriage, legal weed, and cheaper prescription drugs? Next they'll have donkeys painted like zebras, too."

    Nicholas Perez Paramedic
  • "I want to see these senior citizens jailed. I mean, I actually want to see them in the jail."

    Allison Burke Auditing Clerk
  • "As CEO of Abbott Laboratories, I think Americans should consider themselves lucky they're getting our medicine at all."

    Jacob Harmon CEO

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