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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Canadian Prescription Drugs

Major drug manufacturers are attempting to stop Canadian pharmacies from selling discounted prescription drugs to Americans. What do you think?
  • "Look, Canada, stick to exporting that maple-sugar candy of yours. We'll take care of the obscenely expensive prescription drugs."

    Caroline Lenhart Transcriptionist
  • "Man, I got some primo Nexium when I was up in Vancouver last year."

    Terry Yoder Solderer
  • "Canada has already given us the best medicine—laughter. Thank you, Ottawa's Dan Aykroyd, for everything."

    Phillip Settle Systems Analyst
  • "Gay marriage, legal weed, and cheaper prescription drugs? Next they'll have donkeys painted like zebras, too."

    Nicholas Perez Paramedic
  • "I want to see these senior citizens jailed. I mean, I actually want to see them in the jail."

    Allison Burke Auditing Clerk
  • "As CEO of Abbott Laboratories, I think Americans should consider themselves lucky they're getting our medicine at all."

    Jacob Harmon CEO

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