adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Canadian Prisoners Escape Via Helicopter

Two inmates at a Quebec prison made a dramatic daytime escape yesterday when two outside accomplices booked a local helicopter tour, demanded the pilot fly to the prison, and then lowered ropes for the prisoners to climb, though all were later apprehended. What do you think?

  • “Can’t Canadians do anything without showboating?”

    Gabe Schneider Foundry Supervisor
  • “Dummies. It would have worked if they had gone with my giant Trojan Poutine plan.”

    Sabrina Astin Systems Analyst
  • “Wow, prison is awesome!”

    J.J. Nakashima Baggage Checker

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close