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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Canadian Prisoners Escape Via Helicopter

Two inmates at a Quebec prison made a dramatic daytime escape yesterday when two outside accomplices booked a local helicopter tour, demanded the pilot fly to the prison, and then lowered ropes for the prisoners to climb, though all were later apprehended. What do you think?

  • “Can’t Canadians do anything without showboating?”

    Gabe Schneider Foundry Supervisor
  • “Dummies. It would have worked if they had gone with my giant Trojan Poutine plan.”

    Sabrina Astin Systems Analyst
  • “Wow, prison is awesome!”

    J.J. Nakashima Baggage Checker

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