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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

For the first time since statistics on the disease have been tracked, the cancer rate in the United States has declined. What do you think?
  • "I think we owe this in large part to many states banning cancer in bars and other public places."

    Rich Samuels Unemployed
  • "Cancer rates are going down? Great, I'll cancel my mammogram right now."

    Shana Young Attorney
  • "This is really great news for our statisticians. You should have seen how depressed the place was when we got our 2008 rape numbers back."

    Paul Notarile Research Analyst

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