Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

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Vol 44 Issue 49

Shitload Of Math Due Monday

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—Students dreaded spending all day Sunday with some retarded math book, especially one that doesn't have any of the freaking answers in the back.
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Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

For the first time since statistics on the disease have been tracked, the cancer rate in the United States has declined. What do you think?
  • "I think we owe this in large part to many states banning cancer in bars and other public places."

    Rich Samuels
  • "Cancer rates are going down? Great, I'll cancel my mammogram right now."

    Shana Young
  • "This is really great news for our statisticians. You should have seen how depressed the place was when we got our 2008 rape numbers back."

    Paul Notarile
    Research Analyst
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