Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

In This Section

Vol 44 Issue 49

Shitload Of Math Due Monday

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—Students dreaded spending all day Sunday with some retarded math book, especially one that doesn't have any of the freaking answers in the back.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Spring

Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

For the first time since statistics on the disease have been tracked, the cancer rate in the United States has declined. What do you think?
  • "I think we owe this in large part to many states banning cancer in bars and other public places."

    Rich Samuels
    Unemployed
  • "Cancer rates are going down? Great, I'll cancel my mammogram right now."

    Shana Young
    Attorney
  • "This is really great news for our statisticians. You should have seen how depressed the place was when we got our 2008 rape numbers back."

    Paul Notarile
    Research Analyst
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More