adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

For the first time since statistics on the disease have been tracked, the cancer rate in the United States has declined. What do you think?
  • "I think we owe this in large part to many states banning cancer in bars and other public places."

    Rich Samuels Unemployed
  • "Cancer rates are going down? Great, I'll cancel my mammogram right now."

    Shana Young Attorney
  • "This is really great news for our statisticians. You should have seen how depressed the place was when we got our 2008 rape numbers back."

    Paul Notarile Research Analyst

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close