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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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‘Captain America’ Smashes Box-Office Records

Disney’s 3D superhero film sequel Captain America: The Winter Soldier smashed box-office records for the month of April with a $96 million opening weekend. What do you think?

  • “This might be just the nudge superhero movies needed at the box office.”

    Chris Campbell Junior Claims Adjuster
  • “Of course it did. The winter soldier genre is booming right now.”

    Gwyneth Cantor Home Intruder Prevention Specialist
  • “Aww, these little franchises grow up so fast.”

    Damian Ma Systems Analyst
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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