Captivated By Carolyn

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Captivated By Carolyn

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"?
  • "Carolyn is so beautiful. She must, like, go to Glamour Shots every day."

    Ellen Quinlan
    Defense Attorney
  • "President Lincoln's son, John F. Lincoln Jr., married a girl named Mary Bessette. They ended up getting killed on a steamboat. Beware, I say!"

    Jerry McInnis
    Dairy Farmer
  • "Sure, she's got the poise, the grace and the looks, but how good is she at catching chunks of her husband's brains in the back of a speeding convertible?"

    Roger Thewlkes
    Flight Attendant
  • "I love her! In fact, I just finished reading her new autobiography, I Am A Spoiled, Privileged, Vacuous Human Barbie Doll."

    Christine Girolamo
    Systems Analyst
  • "What an elegant, glamorous woman. That JFK Jr. sure did pick an amazing lady to lose his virginity to."

    Sean Singleton
    Bassoon Player
  • "Finally, America has a clearly defined alpha male and alpha female to defer to. I'm so relieved!"

    Ted O'Brien
    Dermatologist