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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Caravan Traveling U.S. To Oppose Drug War

Protesting the tens of thousands of deaths in Mexico resulting from the U.S. drug war, a group calling itself the “Caravan for Peace with Justice and Dignity” began a 20-city U.S. tour yesterday that will culminate in one month in Washington, D.C. What do you think?

  • “I assume anyone traveling in a caravan is pretty pro-drugs.”

    Bill Muenker Systems Analyst
  • “But the war on drugs was the war whose inefficacy we were best at concealing!”

    Roddy Blancaflor Quilting Machine Operator
  • “Yeah, well, they better not get in the way of my Free Mumia Convoy.”

    Regina Wilhoit Poultry Veterinarian

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