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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Cardinal Law Under Fire

Boston's Cardinal Law has been ordered to appear for a deposition to answer questions about his protection of a priest accused of sexual abuse. What do you think?
  • "It's not like the cardinal molested the children. He just created an environment where it could continue unabated."

    Fred Tillman Forklift Operator
  • "If nothing else, Cardinal Law is a great name for the TV movie that will inevitably be made about this."

    Michael Polk Civil Engineer
  • "Just because a cardinal is in a position of power and trust doesn't mean we should hold him to the same standards of basic human decency as the rest of us."

    Max Allard Systems Analyst
  • "As long as these priests admit wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness, God will reward them in the afterlife with all the little boys they could want."

    Ben Downing Contractor
  • "These plaintiffs should ask themselves if justice is worth the risk of excommunication."

    Dianne Weston Secretary
  • "Jesus has absolved Cardinal Law of his sins. That's why I'm bringing a $100 million class-action suit against Jesus next week."

    Irene Bell Student

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