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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cardinal Says Catholic Church Should Welcome Gays

While admitting the Vatican would not change its opposition to same-sex marriage, Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan said the Church should be more welcoming of gays and lesbians, arguing that Catholicism needs to modernize how it presents its message. What do you think?

  • “Hippies!”

    Paul DiPrima Doll Wig Maker
  • “Oh no. I always knew this Golden Rule thing was a slippery slope.”

    Amelinda Page Shellacker
  • “Isn’t anyone going to keep hating gays?”

    Brian Barzman College Nurse

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