adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Care For 9/11 Illness

People who worked or lived near Ground Zero are demanding health-care for illnesses related to the poor air quality after the attacks. What do you think?
  • "I think we should FedEx an itemized invoice for all of those people's medical expenses to Osama bin Laden. Then, when he goes to sign for it—bam! We grab him!"

    Emily Sherman Guidance Counselor
  • "This is a very serious issue. My cousin was a first responder, and he recently succumbed to a particularly bad case of Freedom Lung."

    Jeremy Grusin Systems Analyst
  • "I guess we know whose side of the war on terror these folks' alveoli are on."

    Ron Wells Translator

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close