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Care For 9/11 Illness

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Care For 9/11 Illness

People who worked or lived near Ground Zero are demanding health-care for illnesses related to the poor air quality after the attacks. What do you think?
  • "I think we should FedEx an itemized invoice for all of those people's medical expenses to Osama bin Laden. Then, when he goes to sign for it—bam! We grab him!"

    Emily Sherman Guidance Counselor
  • "This is a very serious issue. My cousin was a first responder, and he recently succumbed to a particularly bad case of Freedom Lung."

    Jeremy Grusin Systems Analyst
  • "I guess we know whose side of the war on terror these folks' alveoli are on."

    Ron Wells Translator

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