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Cartel Kills 18 In Rehab

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Cartel Kills 18 In Rehab

A Mexican drug cartel is being blamed for the shooting deaths of 18 patients at a rehab clinic. What do you think?
  • "People are so quick to blame things on drug cartels. Did anyone ever consider that those 18 people might all have the same jealous boyfriend?"

    Liam Freiman Elevator Repairman
  • "As a marketing executive, I'm intrigued by the idea of maintaining product loyalty by threatening former customers with death."

    Sarah Shapiro Marketing Executive
  • "I'm going to use this as a cautionary tale for my children as soon as I figure out what the non-ironic moral is."

    Demitri Cervenkova Systems Analyst

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