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Cartoon Pitchmen Remarkably Effective

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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Cartoon Pitchmen Remarkably Effective

In a recent study, 50 percent of children said that food from packages adorned with one of their favorite cartoon characters, like Dora the Explorer or SpongeBob SquarePants, tasted better than identical food from a plain package. What do you think?

  • "Are you calling my kid a liar? Is that it? If he says it tastes better, then it tastes better, and that's that."

    Seth Popple Systems Analyst
  • "Fuck yeah, Paul Newman, too."

    Hanly Evans Admissions Officer
  • "Might I inquire, did they figure out which cartoon character makes the best food?"

    Joel Innes Swimming Pool Cleaner

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