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Casey Anthony Released

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Casey Anthony Released

Acquitted murder suspect Casey Anthony was released from jail on Sunday. What do you think?

  • "She left just two days ago? Huh, that's weird. You usually don't report an Anthony's disappearance for about a month or so."

    Dan Roth Moisture-Machine Tender
  • "Ooh, I thought I smelled something different in the air on Sunday! Turns out it was the smell of new beginnings. With just a hint of guilty-murderer-gone-free."

    Roberta Nelson Drop-Wire Hanger
  • "This is one crazy story she's going to tell her kids someday."

    Davis Youtz Unemployed

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