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Castaway Ate Turtles, Birds While Stranded 13 Months At Sea

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Castaway Ate Turtles, Birds While Stranded 13 Months At Sea

A man calling himself Jose Salvador Alvarenga washed ashore in the Marshall Islands this week after allegedly being lost over a year at sea, explaining that he survived by eating birds and turtles and drinking his own urine, though authorities are still trying to verify his claims. What do you think?

  • “Big deal. I ate turtles and drank my own urine for 13 months without ever stepping foot outside my house.”

    Dwier Ottley Unemployed
  • “See, this is exactly why I never go swimming without a knapsack full of hot dogs and Gatorade.”

    Maya Reid Pearl Restorer
  • “Sometimes I wish I could get away from it all for a year and have authorities check up on my story.”

    Frank Kieferle Claims Adjuster

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