adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Castaway Ate Turtles, Birds While Stranded 13 Months At Sea

A man calling himself Jose Salvador Alvarenga washed ashore in the Marshall Islands this week after allegedly being lost over a year at sea, explaining that he survived by eating birds and turtles and drinking his own urine, though authorities are still trying to verify his claims. What do you think?

  • “Big deal. I ate turtles and drank my own urine for 13 months without ever stepping foot outside my house.”

    Dwier Ottley Unemployed
  • “See, this is exactly why I never go swimming without a knapsack full of hot dogs and Gatorade.”

    Maya Reid Pearl Restorer
  • “Sometimes I wish I could get away from it all for a year and have authorities check up on my story.”

    Frank Kieferle Claims Adjuster

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close