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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Castrated Men May Live Longer

An analysis of Korean imperial court records dating from the 1300s to the early 1900s, found that eunuchs lived 14 to 19 years longer than other men, suggesting that male sex hormones may lower the average man’s life span. What do you think?

  • “This is great news. Will castration be covered under Obamacare?”

    Mario Santoro Art Appraiser
  • “I’m sure if the researchers keep digging into it, they’ll discover some downside to castration, too.”

    Lyle DeCrescent Unemployed
  • “Wow! Imagine being able to spend an extra 14 to 19 years wanting your balls back.”

    Boone Stone Road Laborer

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