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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cat Obesity On The Rise

In response to rising feline obesity, a new study found that a restricted diet led to weight loss in cats and didn’t cause them to display any less affection toward their owners. What do you think?

  • “It must be jarring for the cats to have their own ambivalent attitude thrown back in their face like that.”

    Selina Murphy Systems Analyst
  • “Putting your pet on a strict diet is just one more way they prepare you for having children.”

    Don Sorel Trachea Inspector
  • “But wouldn’t it be unfair to give my cat less than half of what we hunt together?”

    Marv Houran Unemployed

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