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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Cat Obesity On The Rise

In response to rising feline obesity, a new study found that a restricted diet led to weight loss in cats and didn’t cause them to display any less affection toward their owners. What do you think?

  • “It must be jarring for the cats to have their own ambivalent attitude thrown back in their face like that.”

    Selina Murphy Systems Analyst
  • “Putting your pet on a strict diet is just one more way they prepare you for having children.”

    Don Sorel Trachea Inspector
  • “But wouldn’t it be unfair to give my cat less than half of what we hunt together?”

    Marv Houran Unemployed

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