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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Cat Teahouse To Open In San Francisco

A teahouse called KitTea is seeking to open in San Francisco and provide a place for patrons to sip tea and mingle with approximately 10 cats, which will be selected for their temperament from a local rescue service. What do you think?

  • “The cats I want to hang out with wouldn’t be caught dead in a place like this.”

    Ann Milliner Fitness Center Receptionist
  • “Ever since my cat died, I have been looking to get back out there and mingle."

    Jackson Grant Trolley Operator
  • “That’s fantastic! I usually have to sprinkle my tea with cat hair I brought from home.”

    Robert Gostigian Family Physician

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