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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Cat Teahouse To Open In San Francisco

A teahouse called KitTea is seeking to open in San Francisco and provide a place for patrons to sip tea and mingle with approximately 10 cats, which will be selected for their temperament from a local rescue service. What do you think?

  • “The cats I want to hang out with wouldn’t be caught dead in a place like this.”

    Ann Milliner Fitness Center Receptionist
  • “Ever since my cat died, I have been looking to get back out there and mingle."

    Jackson Grant Trolley Operator
  • “That’s fantastic! I usually have to sprinkle my tea with cat hair I brought from home.”

    Robert Gostigian Family Physician
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