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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Cat Teahouse To Open In San Francisco

A teahouse called KitTea is seeking to open in San Francisco and provide a place for patrons to sip tea and mingle with approximately 10 cats, which will be selected for their temperament from a local rescue service. What do you think?

  • “The cats I want to hang out with wouldn’t be caught dead in a place like this.”

    Ann Milliner Fitness Center Receptionist
  • “Ever since my cat died, I have been looking to get back out there and mingle."

    Jackson Grant Trolley Operator
  • “That’s fantastic! I usually have to sprinkle my tea with cat hair I brought from home.”

    Robert Gostigian Family Physician

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