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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Catholic Leader Jailed For Covering Up Abuse

Monsignor William J. Lynn of the Philadelphia Archdiocese received a prison sentence of three to six years after becoming the first Roman Catholic Church official in the United States convicted of covering up the sexual abuse of children by priests. What do you think?

  • “It’s hard to believe this one guy was solely responsible for every single cover-up associated with the church’s abuse scandals, but you saw their press release.”

    Chrissy Laurenitis Optometric Assistant
  • “In addition, the court stripped the Philadelphia Archdiocese of all baptisms performed during Lynn’s tenure, meaning it is no longer the baptizingest parish in history.”

    Matthew Bakalar Makeup Artist
  • “All’s well that ends well.”

    Brian Moss Mortgage Loan Processor

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