adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Catholic Orgs Sue Over Birth-Control Rule

Several Catholic institutions, including Notre Dame, are suing the federal government over the Obama administration’s birth control funding mandate. What do you think?

  • "I'm not sure how competitive Notre Dame will be this fall if half its starters are dutifully helping their knocked up girlfriends through their last trimesters rather than suiting up when Michigan comes to South Bend."

    Chris Dierkop Systems Analyst
  • "I wouldn’t be so irritated with this situation if my Holy Ghost IUD was more reliable.”

    Amber Buckman Unemployed
  • "Why can't we just return to the good old days, when Catholics were having pre-marital sex without contraception, going away for nine months to give birth in a secluded farmhouse, returning to have more pre-marital sex without contraception, and eventually meeting and marrying the closeted gay husband of their dreams?"

    Frankie Hansen Numerical Control Machine Operator

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close