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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Catholic Orgs Sue Over Birth-Control Rule

Several Catholic institutions, including Notre Dame, are suing the federal government over the Obama administration’s birth control funding mandate. What do you think?

  • "I'm not sure how competitive Notre Dame will be this fall if half its starters are dutifully helping their knocked up girlfriends through their last trimesters rather than suiting up when Michigan comes to South Bend."

    Chris Dierkop Systems Analyst
  • "I wouldn’t be so irritated with this situation if my Holy Ghost IUD was more reliable.”

    Amber Buckman Unemployed
  • "Why can't we just return to the good old days, when Catholics were having pre-marital sex without contraception, going away for nine months to give birth in a secluded farmhouse, returning to have more pre-marital sex without contraception, and eventually meeting and marrying the closeted gay husband of their dreams?"

    Frankie Hansen Numerical Control Machine Operator
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