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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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‘Cats’ Musical To Feature Rapping Cat

Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber announced this week that a London revival of his international smash musical Cats would feature, for the first time, a rapping cat. What do you think?

  • “It’s genius—there are so many words that rhyme with ‘meow.’”

    Courtney Grayson Evidence Destroyer
  • “After decades of it being watered down, I’m glad to see rap music finally getting back some of its sense of danger.”

    Manny Ojeda Disillusioned Educator
  • “Are the raps going to tackle the important issues concerning the cats of today, or is this just some silly bullshit?”

    Joseph Hooks Systems Analyst

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