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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Cause Of Male-Pattern Baldness Discovered

A study published in Science Translational Medicine found that an abundance of a protein called prostaglandin D2 was responsible for male-pattern baldness. What do you think?

  • "That's great! Now that we've found what causes it, we can replicate it anywhere."

    James Vargo Systems Analyst
  • "You see that balding piece of shit standing over there? That's my husband. Go make his day and tell him about this crap."

    Stella LeDuc Sandblaster
  • "I hope any treatments for the condition lie far in the future. All these legions of mental-patient-looking white guys with shaved heads have grown on me throughout the years."

    Chris Gaspar Kiln Burner

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