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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cause Of Male-Pattern Baldness Discovered

A study published in Science Translational Medicine found that an abundance of a protein called prostaglandin D2 was responsible for male-pattern baldness. What do you think?

  • "That's great! Now that we've found what causes it, we can replicate it anywhere."

    James Vargo Systems Analyst
  • "You see that balding piece of shit standing over there? That's my husband. Go make his day and tell him about this crap."

    Stella LeDuc Sandblaster
  • "I hope any treatments for the condition lie far in the future. All these legions of mental-patient-looking white guys with shaved heads have grown on me throughout the years."

    Chris Gaspar Kiln Burner

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