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CBS Laser-Etches Eggs

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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CBS Laser-Etches Eggs

CBS will be laser-etching 35 million eggs to be sold in stores to promote its fall lineup. What do you think?
  • "Makes perfect sense. Eggs, CBS, and lasers. It's what we in the marketing biz call 'synergy'."

    Joe Varick Marketing Executive
  • "It's still going to be hard to beat the 3,000,000 head of cattle NBC branded with their logo."

    Ron Toppper Baker
  • "So, not having my food shot with lasers is no longer a choice I get to make?"

    Kelly Stanton Cocktail Waitress

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