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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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CBS Laser-Etches Eggs

CBS will be laser-etching 35 million eggs to be sold in stores to promote its fall lineup. What do you think?
  • "Makes perfect sense. Eggs, CBS, and lasers. It's what we in the marketing biz call 'synergy'."

    Joe Varick Marketing Executive
  • "It's still going to be hard to beat the 3,000,000 head of cattle NBC branded with their logo."

    Ron Toppper Baker
  • "So, not having my food shot with lasers is no longer a choice I get to make?"

    Kelly Stanton Cocktail Waitress
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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