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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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CBS Laser-Etches Eggs

CBS will be laser-etching 35 million eggs to be sold in stores to promote its fall lineup. What do you think?
  • "Makes perfect sense. Eggs, CBS, and lasers. It's what we in the marketing biz call 'synergy'."

    Joe Varick Marketing Executive
  • "It's still going to be hard to beat the 3,000,000 head of cattle NBC branded with their logo."

    Ron Toppper Baker
  • "So, not having my food shot with lasers is no longer a choice I get to make?"

    Kelly Stanton Cocktail Waitress
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