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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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CDC: 1 In Every 50 U.S. Schoolchildren Autistic

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revised upward its estimate of the number of children in the United States with autism, stating that 1 in every 50 children between the ages of 6 and 17 have some form of autism spectrum disorder. What do you think?

  • “Isn’t there anything we can do to reverse this trend of testing for this horrible affliction?”

    Webster Owen Steeplejack
  • “Blackjack tables of the future are screwed.”

    Bryce Cassel Urologist
  • “Our nation’s bullies must be so exhausted.”

    Katie Marano Fuse Maker

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