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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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CDC: 1 In Every 50 U.S. Schoolchildren Autistic

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revised upward its estimate of the number of children in the United States with autism, stating that 1 in every 50 children between the ages of 6 and 17 have some form of autism spectrum disorder. What do you think?

  • “Isn’t there anything we can do to reverse this trend of testing for this horrible affliction?”

    Webster Owen Steeplejack
  • “Blackjack tables of the future are screwed.”

    Bryce Cassel Urologist
  • “Our nation’s bullies must be so exhausted.”

    Katie Marano Fuse Maker
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