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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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CDC: Drug-Resistant Bacteria Pose ‘Nightmare’ Threat

The head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a dire warning about antibiotic-resistant bacteria known as CREs, which after first appearing in 1996 have now been found in 42 states and were detected in 4.6 percent of all U.S. hospitals in 2012. What do you think?

  • “What is it with the CDC? It’s like they’re all a bunch of germ freaks over there.”

    Annabel Boyle Dance Therapist
  • “I appreciate anything that first appeared in the 1990s and has managed to stay relevant.”

    Joe Foggin Ship Painter
  • “Oh, well. We all gotta go sometime, right?”

    Matthew Suwinska Fireworks Maker
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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