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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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CDC: Drug-Resistant Bacteria Pose ‘Nightmare’ Threat

The head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a dire warning about antibiotic-resistant bacteria known as CREs, which after first appearing in 1996 have now been found in 42 states and were detected in 4.6 percent of all U.S. hospitals in 2012. What do you think?

  • “What is it with the CDC? It’s like they’re all a bunch of germ freaks over there.”

    Annabel Boyle Dance Therapist
  • “I appreciate anything that first appeared in the 1990s and has managed to stay relevant.”

    Joe Foggin Ship Painter
  • “Oh, well. We all gotta go sometime, right?”

    Matthew Suwinska Fireworks Maker

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