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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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CDC: Drug-Resistant Bacteria Pose ‘Nightmare’ Threat

The head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a dire warning about antibiotic-resistant bacteria known as CREs, which after first appearing in 1996 have now been found in 42 states and were detected in 4.6 percent of all U.S. hospitals in 2012. What do you think?

  • “What is it with the CDC? It’s like they’re all a bunch of germ freaks over there.”

    Annabel Boyle Dance Therapist
  • “I appreciate anything that first appeared in the 1990s and has managed to stay relevant.”

    Joe Foggin Ship Painter
  • “Oh, well. We all gotta go sometime, right?”

    Matthew Suwinska Fireworks Maker

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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