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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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CDC: Obesity Down 43% Among Babies

New data from the CDC revealed that obesity rates among children aged 2 to 5 dropped 43 percent over the past decade, which researchers attribute in part to children consuming less sugar, more mothers breastfeeding, and policies aimed at helping kids stay fit. What do you think?

  • “That’s all right; they have their whole lives to get fat.”

    Ray MacGraw Cement Layer
  • “It could be all that stuff, or maybe these babies just finally got their lives together.”

    Cooper Swain Systems Analyst
  • “Ugh, now it’s going to feel like such a lie when I pretend I want to eat my baby.”

    Leslie Zarilla Personal Shopper

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