adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

CDC: Obesity Down 43% Among Babies

New data from the CDC revealed that obesity rates among children aged 2 to 5 dropped 43 percent over the past decade, which researchers attribute in part to children consuming less sugar, more mothers breastfeeding, and policies aimed at helping kids stay fit. What do you think?

  • “That’s all right; they have their whole lives to get fat.”

    Ray MacGraw Cement Layer
  • “It could be all that stuff, or maybe these babies just finally got their lives together.”

    Cooper Swain Systems Analyst
  • “Ugh, now it’s going to feel like such a lie when I pretend I want to eat my baby.”

    Leslie Zarilla Personal Shopper

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close