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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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CDC: Women Should Only Drink While On Birth Control

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have recommended that all sexually active women, regardless of whether they intend to get pregnant, should be on some form of birth control before consuming any amount of alcohol to prevent a pregnancy with fetal alcohol complications. What do you think?

  • “That’s wildly impractical. Does the CDC really expect women to access birth control that easily?”

    Kevin Bartz Podcast Benefactor
  • “Finally, a government agency that tells me, to the letter, exactly what to do with my body.”

    Delia Stoneberg Startup Maven
  • “How about we put the onus on men for a change and instruct them to knock drinks out of women’s hands?”

    Ilana Geffen File Organizer

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