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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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CDC: Women Should Only Drink While On Birth Control

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have recommended that all sexually active women, regardless of whether they intend to get pregnant, should be on some form of birth control before consuming any amount of alcohol to prevent a pregnancy with fetal alcohol complications. What do you think?

  • “That’s wildly impractical. Does the CDC really expect women to access birth control that easily?”

    Kevin Bartz Podcast Benefactor
  • “Finally, a government agency that tells me, to the letter, exactly what to do with my body.”

    Delia Stoneberg Startup Maven
  • “How about we put the onus on men for a change and instruct them to knock drinks out of women’s hands?”

    Ilana Geffen File Organizer
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