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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cereal Box Characters Lure Children In With Their Eyes

According to new research, the cartoon “spokescharacters” on cereal boxes are purposefully drawn with their stares angled downward to make eye contact with young children, which researchers say raises the trust level between kids and the cartoons. What do you think?

  • “That’s why Cap’n Crunch has those beautiful baby blues.”

    Crystal Bigford Sales Representative
  • “If a cartoon isn’t man enough to look you straight in the eye then it doesn’t deserve your trust.”

    Graham Milser Sidewalk Artist
  • “That’s my trick, too!”

    Johnson McCaffrey Unemployed

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