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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Charging Obese Flyers Double

Southwest Airlines recently announced plans to strictly enforce a policy that asks passengers too large for its seats to purchase an extra fare. What do you think?
  • "Making the obese pay more is fine, but waving them into their seats with fluorescent-orange batons is too much."

    Chris George Systems Analyst
  • "As a man who once lost 100 pounds, I say to hell with them—it's their fault they're fat. As a man who gained the 100 pounds back, I say have a heart, Southwest Airlines."

    Robert Russell Cashier
  • "That explains the 'Test Your Ass Dimensions' frame at the check-in counter."

    Donna Koechner Homemaker
  • "I hope this controversy escalates. I would love to see that picket line."

    Fred Issel Delivery Driver
  • "Perhaps the overweight passenger could help offset the price of the extra seat by, say, serving as a screen for the in-flight movie."

    Phil Lyman Stockbroker
  • "Overweight people fully deserve the dignity they have denied themselves for so long."

    Meredith Poole Massage Therapist

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