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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Charlton Heston Dies

Charlton Heston, National Rifle Association spokesman and star of The Omega Man, The Ten Commandments, and Planet Of The Apes, died Saturday at 84. What do you think?
  • "No, I'm pretty sure you're thinking of Mickey Rooney. Charlton Heston has been dead for at least five years."

    Rodrigo Bennet Brick Layer
  • "It must have been comforting for him to pass away peacefully in his home instead of in a MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE!!!"

    Tracy McManus Piano Teacher
  • "I send my thoughts and prayers to the Heston family. I'd also like to know when and where the funeral service is going to be held so I can send an ammunition wreath."

    Steve DeVoto Network Administrator

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