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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Checks For Gun Buyers

Earlier this month, a new system of instant FBI background checks on gun buyers went into effect. The system, which takes the place of a five-day waiting period, is being challenged in court by the NRA as an invasion of privacy. What do you think?
  • "I think the new instant checks are great. Last March, I had to wait almost an entire week before I could open fire on that busload of kids."

    Dave Roof Groundskeeper
  • "I'm in favor of a waiting period. Waiting just makes it all the more special when you finally give the bitch what she's got coming."

    Keith Krausse Salesman
  • "As long as they don't start requiring background checks for meat-cleaver purchases, I should be fine."

    Benjamin Chavarria Custodian
  • "God, guts and guns are what made America great. Oh, God—I just shot myself in the gut with my gun!"

    Jordan Stock Commercial Pilot
  • "They should make gun buyers sign a waiver that says, 'I promise only to use this gun on bunnies.'"

    Anne Hershberger Systems Analyst
  • "I find that shooting people is an excellent alternative to letting them run a background check on me."

    Ellen Gosger Cab Driver

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