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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Checks For Gun Buyers

Earlier this month, a new system of instant FBI background checks on gun buyers went into effect. The system, which takes the place of a five-day waiting period, is being challenged in court by the NRA as an invasion of privacy. What do you think?
  • "I think the new instant checks are great. Last March, I had to wait almost an entire week before I could open fire on that busload of kids."

    Dave Roof Groundskeeper
  • "I'm in favor of a waiting period. Waiting just makes it all the more special when you finally give the bitch what she's got coming."

    Keith Krausse Salesman
  • "As long as they don't start requiring background checks for meat-cleaver purchases, I should be fine."

    Benjamin Chavarria Custodian
  • "God, guts and guns are what made America great. Oh, God—I just shot myself in the gut with my gun!"

    Jordan Stock Commercial Pilot
  • "They should make gun buyers sign a waiver that says, 'I promise only to use this gun on bunnies.'"

    Anne Hershberger Systems Analyst
  • "I find that shooting people is an excellent alternative to letting them run a background check on me."

    Ellen Gosger Cab Driver
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