Checks For Gun Buyers

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Checks For Gun Buyers

Earlier this month, a new system of instant FBI background checks on gun buyers went into effect. The system, which takes the place of a five-day waiting period, is being challenged in court by the NRA as an invasion of privacy. What do you think?
  • "I think the new instant checks are great. Last March, I had to wait almost an entire week before I could open fire on that busload of kids."

    Dave Roof
  • "I'm in favor of a waiting period. Waiting just makes it all the more special when you finally give the bitch what she's got coming."

    Keith Krausse
  • "As long as they don't start requiring background checks for meat-cleaver purchases, I should be fine."

    Benjamin Chavarria
  • "God, guts and guns are what made America great. Oh, God—I just shot myself in the gut with my gun!"

    Jordan Stock
    Commercial Pilot
  • "They should make gun buyers sign a waiver that says, 'I promise only to use this gun on bunnies.'"

    Anne Hershberger
    Systems Analyst
  • "I find that shooting people is an excellent alternative to letting them run a background check on me."

    Ellen Gosger
    Cab Driver