Checks For Gun Buyers

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Checks For Gun Buyers

Earlier this month, a new system of instant FBI background checks on gun buyers went into effect. The system, which takes the place of a five-day waiting period, is being challenged in court by the NRA as an invasion of privacy. What do you think?
  • "I think the new instant checks are great. Last March, I had to wait almost an entire week before I could open fire on that busload of kids."

    Dave Roof Groundskeeper
  • "I'm in favor of a waiting period. Waiting just makes it all the more special when you finally give the bitch what she's got coming."

    Keith Krausse Salesman
  • "As long as they don't start requiring background checks for meat-cleaver purchases, I should be fine."

    Benjamin Chavarria Custodian
  • "God, guts and guns are what made America great. Oh, God—I just shot myself in the gut with my gun!"

    Jordan Stock Commercial Pilot
  • "They should make gun buyers sign a waiver that says, 'I promise only to use this gun on bunnies.'"

    Anne Hershberger Systems Analyst
  • "I find that shooting people is an excellent alternative to letting them run a background check on me."

    Ellen Gosger Cab Driver


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