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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand

The Dairy Export Council reported this week that the cost of cheddar cheese climbed 18 percent this year to its highest price ever because domestic manufacturers have been unable to meet the demand for cheese by Chinese purchasers. What do you think?

  • “People laughed when I bought all that cheddar cheese. Well, who’s laughing now?”

    Mark Rhodes Sound Check Coordinator
  • “I knew this day would come. I didn’t know it would involve cheese or China in any way, but still. I knew.”

    Colleen Clapton Urban Planner
  • “Wait until they find out about smoked Gouda. The entire agricultural marketplace is going to collapse.”

    Philip Sylbert Systems Analyst

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