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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Chemical And Biological Weapons

Many Americans fear that terrorists may one day strike the U.S. with chemical and biological weapons. What do you think about the prospect?
  • "It's certainly frightening to consider, but I take comfort in the fact that it can't happen to me.
    It can't happen to me.
    It can't happen to me.
    It can't happen..."

    Donna McKechnie Student
  • "I'm not breathing any air until I've seen somebody else breathe it first."

    Christopher King Systems Analyst
  • "This is the plague The Bible done talked about."

    Dan Desmond Landscaper
  • "Speaking of which, don't go in the bathroom for a while. I just dropped a toxic payload of catastrophic size in there, man."

    Jordan Ryback Cashier
  • "Let's not take any chances—we should arrest and detain The Chemical Brothers immediately."

    Fran Lake Homemaker
  • "I bought a gas mask for protection. I also bought an anthrax vaccine, a safety suit, and a hermetically sealed house that I never leave."

    Michael Cuyler Contractor
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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