Chemical And Biological Weapons

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Chemical And Biological Weapons

Many Americans fear that terrorists may one day strike the U.S. with chemical and biological weapons. What do you think about the prospect?
  • "It's certainly frightening to consider, but I take comfort in the fact that it can't happen to me.
    It can't happen to me.
    It can't happen to me.
    It can't happen..."

    Donna McKechnie
    Student
  • "I'm not breathing any air until I've seen somebody else breathe it first."

    Christopher King
    Systems Analyst
  • "This is the plague The Bible done talked about."

    Dan Desmond
    Landscaper
  • "Speaking of which, don't go in the bathroom for a while. I just dropped a toxic payload of catastrophic size in there, man."

    Jordan Ryback
    Cashier
  • "Let's not take any chances—we should arrest and detain The Chemical Brothers immediately."

    Fran Lake
    Homemaker
  • "I bought a gas mask for protection. I also bought an anthrax vaccine, a safety suit, and a hermetically sealed house that I never leave."

    Michael Cuyler
    Contractor