Chemical And Biological Weapons

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Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Chemical And Biological Weapons

Many Americans fear that terrorists may one day strike the U.S. with chemical and biological weapons. What do you think about the prospect?
  • "It's certainly frightening to consider, but I take comfort in the fact that it can't happen to me.
    It can't happen to me.
    It can't happen to me.
    It can't happen..."

    Donna McKechnie
    Student
  • "I'm not breathing any air until I've seen somebody else breathe it first."

    Christopher King
    Systems Analyst
  • "This is the plague The Bible done talked about."

    Dan Desmond
    Landscaper
  • "Speaking of which, don't go in the bathroom for a while. I just dropped a toxic payload of catastrophic size in there, man."

    Jordan Ryback
    Cashier
  • "Let's not take any chances—we should arrest and detain The Chemical Brothers immediately."

    Fran Lake
    Homemaker
  • "I bought a gas mask for protection. I also bought an anthrax vaccine, a safety suit, and a hermetically sealed house that I never leave."

    Michael Cuyler
    Contractor