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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Cheney's Aneurysms

Vice President Dick Cheney is recovering after having aneurysms removed from the back of both his knees. What do you think?
  • "I guess that's good, but you have to admit it would be fun to watch Cheney's knees blow out during a press conference."

    Shelly Caron Interior Designer
  • "That's only because Mr. Cheney has the money to afford the best health-care system in the world."

    Arthur Kaline Day Trader
  • "Look, let's quit pussyfooting around and postponing the inevitable and just put Cheney into the full Darth Vader life-support suit right now."

    Bart Nunn Systems Analyst
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