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Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant

Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary is pregnant. What do you think?
  • "I bet it's a pretty big relief for Cheney to find out his daughter's lesbian phase is finally over."

    Marvin Sayles Systems Analyst
  • "God, I hope the father is black."

    Frieda Smith Personal Trainer
  • "It's deplorable that a celebrity couple like this would deliberately bring into the world a child that Christians can't love."

    Roger Warrens Framer

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