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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Chevy To Sticker Cars' Environmental Impact

Beginning with its 2012 subcompact Sonic, Chevrolet will begin providing information on the lifetime environmental impact of its cars. What do you think?

  • "Say goodbye, Ferrari. Nobody's going to want your cars now."

    Earl Timony Deicer Tester
  • "Louis Chevrolet is no doubt turning in his grave right now. To say nothing of William C. Durant, William Little, and Dr. Edwin R. Campbell! What, is loving the history of Chevrolet a crime?"

    Pilar Ranaldo Police Aide
  • "They used to do that for the Ford Mustang, but it was for panties dropped over its lifetime."

    Louis Fair Unemployed

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