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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Chicago Mercantile Exchange Selling Rain Futures

As of Nov. 1, investors can place money on the chances that it will rain. What do you think?

  • "Finally, I can hedge against my potato-salad-related losses in the event the church picnic is rained out."

    Charles Sakes Pastor
  • "I'd like to bet that it will rain sometime this winter. Do you have to be more specific than that, or did I just win?"

    Devin Gray Unemployed
  • "I promised my husband I'd never gamble again, but okay, put me down for $500 on it never raining again."

    Judy Flemming Quality Control Supervisor

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