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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Chicago Mercantile Exchange Selling Rain Futures

As of Nov. 1, investors can place money on the chances that it will rain. What do you think?

  • "Finally, I can hedge against my potato-salad-related losses in the event the church picnic is rained out."

    Charles Sakes Pastor
  • "I'd like to bet that it will rain sometime this winter. Do you have to be more specific than that, or did I just win?"

    Devin Gray Unemployed
  • "I promised my husband I'd never gamble again, but okay, put me down for $500 on it never raining again."

    Judy Flemming Quality Control Supervisor

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