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Chicago Population Falling

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Chicago Population Falling

Urban flight over the past 10 years has left Chicago with its lowest population since the 1920 census. What do you think?

  • "It's probably just that the census has stopped counting dead people since there's no Daley running for mayor."

    Liz Gillard Systems Analyst
  • "Tell me about it. I went downtown the other day and only saw 678 people."

    Tony Petkovic Wet Mixer
  • "That's just the berries, Mac! I 23-skiddooed back when that little town got too big for its britches—yeah, turned into a real flat tire. But if you say it's thinned out and is all hotsy-totsy again like it was in the Roaring Twenties, then I best grab my dolled-up tomato here and swing on over for an old juice-joint gimlet on State Street. What do you say, Gertie?"

    Rob Eierdam Social Director

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