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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Chicago Population Falling

Urban flight over the past 10 years has left Chicago with its lowest population since the 1920 census. What do you think?

  • "It's probably just that the census has stopped counting dead people since there's no Daley running for mayor."

    Liz Gillard Systems Analyst
  • "Tell me about it. I went downtown the other day and only saw 678 people."

    Tony Petkovic Wet Mixer
  • "That's just the berries, Mac! I 23-skiddooed back when that little town got too big for its britches—yeah, turned into a real flat tire. But if you say it's thinned out and is all hotsy-totsy again like it was in the Roaring Twenties, then I best grab my dolled-up tomato here and swing on over for an old juice-joint gimlet on State Street. What do you say, Gertie?"

    Rob Eierdam Social Director
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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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