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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Chicago Population Falling

Urban flight over the past 10 years has left Chicago with its lowest population since the 1920 census. What do you think?

  • "It's probably just that the census has stopped counting dead people since there's no Daley running for mayor."

    Liz Gillard Systems Analyst
  • "Tell me about it. I went downtown the other day and only saw 678 people."

    Tony Petkovic Wet Mixer
  • "That's just the berries, Mac! I 23-skiddooed back when that little town got too big for its britches—yeah, turned into a real flat tire. But if you say it's thinned out and is all hotsy-totsy again like it was in the Roaring Twenties, then I best grab my dolled-up tomato here and swing on over for an old juice-joint gimlet on State Street. What do you say, Gertie?"

    Rob Eierdam Social Director

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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