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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Chicago Population Falling

Urban flight over the past 10 years has left Chicago with its lowest population since the 1920 census. What do you think?

  • "It's probably just that the census has stopped counting dead people since there's no Daley running for mayor."

    Liz Gillard Systems Analyst
  • "Tell me about it. I went downtown the other day and only saw 678 people."

    Tony Petkovic Wet Mixer
  • "That's just the berries, Mac! I 23-skiddooed back when that little town got too big for its britches—yeah, turned into a real flat tire. But if you say it's thinned out and is all hotsy-totsy again like it was in the Roaring Twenties, then I best grab my dolled-up tomato here and swing on over for an old juice-joint gimlet on State Street. What do you say, Gertie?"

    Rob Eierdam Social Director

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